I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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