yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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