got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Alive.
So much puke
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
