I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
