She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
