DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
