It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
