Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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