The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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