I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
