Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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