I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
