I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
