i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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