i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize