My friends, they love my intelligence
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We just shotgunned beers for America
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
