Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
