I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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