I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
