a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize