The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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