Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We are all done wearing pants today
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
