just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
