Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
