it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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