I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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