i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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