Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize