Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
