Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
