Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
