Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
