We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
