Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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