Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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