this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
