He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
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They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
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I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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