Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
