the new term for farting is butt boxing.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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