some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
