she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
