Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
