He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
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i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
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I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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