Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
