youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
