Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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