Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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