so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
