You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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