he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
