I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
