I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I met the friendliest cop last night
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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