I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
