You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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