I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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