I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
